NBA Playoffs - loves and hates

I have commented on the hockey playoffs and now it is basketball's turn.  Hockey bores me to tears (sorry Sheebs), but the NBA is so unlikeable.  The hockey players are tremendously unskilled, but they are at least likeable.  The NBA players are despicable.  How can you cheer for most of these fucking guys? Lets start with the Boston/Miami series:
Boston
Kevin Garnett: Ohhhh, Mr. H. R. Huff and Puff.  Look how tough I am.  I can look mean, but I play like a little girl.  Here's a hint, make a fucking jump shot when it counts, ok Kev?
Ray Allen: great shooter, lousy gum chewer.  Looks like a horse. Less chew, more shots!
Rajon Rondo: Ick.  Break your are somewhere else please.  Gross.  Lucky he can't shoot so having a broken elbow doesn't really affect his game.  He still runs around like a junior high player trying to steal the ball all game.  Must have played junior high ball at Jean Vanier.
Paul Pierce:  Tough guy.  Takes one knife in the back a few years back and he thinks he's tough.  Always plays up his injuries.  Cries wolf one too many times.  He's done.  Too old.  Too ugly.
Krestic: Bad hair.  European hair weave model.  Plays about two good minutes per game.  Sucks the rest.
Big Baby:  Mr. Cross-Eyes.  Is it possible to have a negative vertical jump?  Doesn't just play below the rim, plays below the hardwood.  Never met a meal he didn't like. Everyone wishes he went after a rebound with the same enthusiasm  that he goes after the post game spread.
Jermaine O'Neal: used to be a good player.  Now just thinks he's a good player.
Delonte West: red headed, tattooed necked, punk of questionable mental stability (remember motorcycles and guns?). Couldn't piss in the ocean if he was ankle deep in the water.  Brutal shooter.
Jeff Green: Sucked at Georgetown, was made to look good at OKC because of Durant, Durant.  Now just looks horrible.  Looks so scared I thought he was caucasian.
Carlos Arroyo:  Apparently he gets paid by the dribble.  They would rather play with a one armed man than let this fucking guy play.  How bad is that?

Miami
LBJ: Poster boy for the modern athlete.  Aren't we all lucky to be able to see his wondrous talents at play?  Just think how great he would be if he actually won something?
Wade: He's great but he seems to piss a lot of people off on the other teams.  Wonder why?
Bosh: A big fraidy cat.  Not really one of the big three, more like big two and a half.  A decent player but not really likeable.  Bill Macdonald clone (disappears when the going gets tough).  When they play in the finals, Bosh might implode right up his ass.  Not a pressure player...
Anthony: Canadian.  That's all that is good about him.  How could a basketball player get to that age and status and shoot like that?
Bibby: Fucking dwarf. Still pissed off for him beating Carolina in '97. Too many tattoos and not enough made jump shots.  He's done.
James Jones: Three words to describe him: jump shots and ears.
Mario Chambers: I am holding a bit of a grudge against him for Kansas beating Carolina in the final four in 2008.  Can't shoot, can't pass, can't defend.  Other than that, he's great.
Juwan Howard: Another winner from Michigan. Oh, right, they never won anything.  He's about a hundred years old and never won.  But I'll bet he's rich...

OKC
Durant:  Best player in the league.  Frankson clone. Knows that this is not his first basket and it will not be his last.  Plays with a confidence that comes with knowing you are better than everyone else.  Just like Frankson.  Plays hard, never complains, never showboats. Can't decide which nickname I like better: Durantula or Durant, Durant.  You choose.  Doesn't even get pissed when Westbrook shoots every fucking time.
Westbrook: Apparently gets paid by the shot.  Thinks a pass is something you make at a girl.  Physically incredible. Not really getting the whole point guard thing.  Every night that he takes more shots than Kevin Durant, someone should take him out behind the stadium and kick his ass. If, and this is a very big if, he ever gets it, he will be incredible and OKC will be champions.  I am betting on a lot of ass kickings instead.
Perkins: Ohhh, another Mr. Mean.  Lighten up Francis.  Who shit in your corn flakes?  I can't decide what is worse: his constant scowl, his hands or his jump shot? Hey Perkins; I know you want to win but how about being happy occasionally?  Oh ya, bad beard.
Ibaka: I got nothin'
Sefolosha: Runs around and does nothing.  Non-factor
Collison: Collision is more like it.  The kind of guy you hate to play against but love to have on your team. Scrappy. Very Caucasian.
Harden: Suspected Taliban. Love how he plays.  Gamer.  Definitely needs a shave.
Maynor:  Will always love him for beating Duke in the tournament while at VCU.  

Memphis
Randolph: Looks like he  escaped from Alberta Hospital.  A little thick, hasn't missed too many meals.  Legendary hoodlum. Hall of fame Portland Jailblazer.  More arrests than your average criminal.  Can play though...
Gasol: Doesn't look like a Frenchman (like his big nostrilled brother).  Flops around a little, like most European basketball players. Could become a dancing bear in the circus when his playing days are over.
Connolly:  Nicely trimmed moustache buddy.  Maybe spend more time working on that jump shot and less time in the barber chair.  His dad is still the best athlete in that family.
Sam Young/Tony Allen: non-descript.
O.J. Mayo: O.J.?  Bet his parents are cursing the day they named him that.  Never met a shot he didn't take.  Shyster.  Crook from USC.  Don't trust him. Hear his dad is a bad guy also.  Apples don't fall far from the tree.
Arthur: My name's Darrell.  It's spelt like Darrel but it's pronounced Da-rel. Another Kansas guy that I have a grudge against.
Vasquez: That greasy bastard from Maryland.  Never liked him there, don't like him in the NBA.  He sucks.  Shoots like he's throwing rocks at rabbits back in Mexico. Not a handsome man...

Maybe tomorrow I will discuss Chicago and Atlanta.  Dallas isn't getting off scot free either, I will get to them.