Hockey Pool, Oops... I Mean Fantasy League

We used to have hockey pools.  When did that change?  Someone tell me exactly when a hockey pool became a 'Fantasy League'?  What a crock of shit.  I gave up hockey pools about twenty years ago - after a glorious victory in the Holy Redeemer pool.  It was great to beat Dulaba, LeMaire and the rest of them, however it almost killed me.  I had about a thirty point lead going into the final couple of weeks, and then inexplicably my players, who happened to me on teams that had clinched playoff positions, started getting rests and not playing in the remaining games.  Fucking drove me crazy.  I couldn't sleep.  When I finally won by a couple of points, I vowed to never go into another pool.  That last about twenty years until I was talked into going into a 'fantasy league'.  My frustration with pools quickly returned.
Twenty years ago there was some scoring to keep me interested at least.  Now I am just frustrated because each night I check the scores, or the lack there of; and grind my teeth.  How can there be absolutely no scoring each and every night?  Tonight I have eleven guys playing and I will be lucky to get ten points.  Ten fucking points.  Give me a break.  In the old days, if I have ten guys playing on a given night, that would be worth twenty to twenty-five points.
As my team sinks slowly into the lower half of the 'fantasy league' standings, I dread looking at the scoring summaries.  When you consider that one year I had an average of over one hundred and ten points per player on a twelve man team, this year's average will be lucky if it gets to sixty. SIXTY fucking points.  As I have stated before, hockey is in deep, deep shit.  Something has to be done to get some excitement (meaning scoring) into the game.  When every game is 1-0 or 2-1, and 3-2 is considered a high scoring game; something is wrong.

 (I just checked the scores and I have six points tonight, with eleven players playing.  Is that fucking useless or what?).

What has Happen to Sports?

  I did something last night that I never do:  I left the bubble.  Keener took me to an Oil Kings game and I loved it.  The game was great.  I relived my youth.  The memories of going to the Oil Kings games at the old Gardens are some of the best memories I have.  It was wonderful.  Anyone too young to have experienced junior hockey in the sixties and seventies can not understand how great it was.  The old Gardens (really an old barn – or so it seems to me now) was rocking with 5200 people.  The games were exciting, cheap and fun.  You got to see future stars and because the Oil Kings had a noticable local flavor, you saw kids playing that you knew or perhaps had played with and against growing up.  The hockey was tremendous and because it was the only show in town, Edmonton loved the Oil Kings.  These young men were the heros to kids and Edmontonians alike.  This was big time hockey.

     The most fun was sitting up in the North end behind the scouts and listening to them scout the players or read what they wrote down about certain players.  It was cool to know that they thought so and so was top prospect or not.

         Despite really enjoying the game, last night’s event had none of the ‘feel good’ qualities that old-time hockey had.  Junior hockey is truly the best hockey in the world.  It is played at a high level of skill, yet there is a certain reckless, mistakes prone quality that professional hockey completely lacks.  As I have written before;  professional hockey makes watching paint dry, exciting.  Dump and chase.  1-0 with perhaps a shootout victory.  BORING!  Junior hockey on the other hand has excitement at almost every turn.  Mistakes and at times shakey skill levels, make the junior game fun.  People who come to the games love it, you can tell.  They identify with these kids and love the action. 

         What make me cringe was the way the time between whistles has changed.  It used to be that you watched the game in silence and when the action stopped, you discussed, bitched, moaned or exalted in the action.  Now it becomes a fucking circus.  Loud noise blares from overhead.  The scoreboard, well actually a very large TV with numbers on it, roars into action with live commentators interviewing people in the stands, or exhorting the  crowd to ‘go crazy’, amoung other stupid things.  There is tee-shirt throws, sing alongs, name that tune, every fucking thing under the sun, to stop the paying customer from actually talking about the game or perhaps sitting there thinking about what just happened.  No, this is the video generation and we must keep them occupied every single second with a bombardment of noise, give-a-ways,  and ‘cool’ activities to keep their nano-second of attention span centered in the arena.  Now I know why, when they scan the crowds at various sporting activities, everyone is on the cell phone: it doesn’t matter if you miss the action because it will be on the big TV screen overhead right away.  So it’s much better to spend your money on a ticket and then sit there and text your friends or talk to who the fuck ever.

It is a gong show.  No quiet time at all.  Then about half way through the period, the endgates open up and people come out onto the ice and start sweeping/scraping the ice.  Some clown takes a walk from one end to the other, using some kind of electronic gaget that he points at the ice, obviously measures something and writes it down.  Meanwhile the music is blaring, the TV is screaming, shit is going on all over and I’m sitting there wondering WTF?

All of a sudden a goal is scored and this unbelievably loud noise occurs, that sounds to me like an enormous ocean liner is sideswiping some little ship and is blowing it’s horn in anger for the boat to get the fuck out of the way. It lasts what seems like an eternity.  Then the players start lining up to congratulate their bench with high fives and the goalie comes out of his cage to stand and join the celebration.  Again…WTF?  How that kind of stuff doesn’t start brawls is beyond me.

Ahhhh, the horn ending the period.  Now maybe a little quiet time.  Are you fucking kidding me?  The next twelve minutes are a non stop shit show.  Games, skaters, activities, more tee-shirts, the same fucking TV guy blabbing non-stop on the screen, puck tosses and so many other things that my little pea brain can’t remember them all.  Then it’s duelling Zambonies.  Two of the fucking machines cleaning the ice.  So the plan is to have all of this shit going on and then have twice the ice cleaners so it will only take half as long to clean the ice. Fucking rediculous. 

The game was terrific.  I really like the Oil Kings.  They have a great defense.  I think the Oilers should trade their defense for the Oil Kings, then they would have something.  Oil Kings won 8-4.  Everyone got a $10 gift certificate from Earl’s for scoring over six goals (Keener gave me his – sweeeeeet!), and I was home at nine-thirty.  I was great.  Maybe the next time I go, I won’t be quite so shocked at the plethora of activities and bullshit going on at the game, but this to me is an example of how today’s fans need more than just sports to entertain them.  Blame it on the technoligical world we live in or whatever, but the game is not enough for most of the people at the game last night.  Their attention span is so fucking short that they can’t just watch a hockey game.  They need non-stop entertainment.  That is so sad to me.  Sports is about the game, not the circus between whistles. 

Just Another Day At The Market

Fucking People

  I am at the Strathcona Market parking lot, at 10:30 on Saturday and I want to kill someone.  I know that this is not the best time to hit the market but that is the way it is.  It’s fucking packed with people trying to park and stupidity prevails.  It is unbelieveable.  There is zero spots and then this fucking stupid women pulls this one.  MDW and I pull up to two women ‘talking’ behind a car.  It is obvious that they are leaving, having seen them put their ‘stuff’ into the trunk.  We sit and wait whilst they chat, two minutes go by and we are still waiting.  I tell MDW to go in and I will park ’here’. Finally after another minute, having seen MDW walk past them, and seeing my car sitting there with the signal light on (perhaps she didn’t recognize what that blinking thing was – as she probably doesn’t use one!), these two rocket scientists get into the same car.  This fucking astounded me to begin with: why were they standing out in the chilly weather, holding a conversation, when they could have gotten into the car?  Stupid people doing stupid things.

So finally they are in the vehical.  I have been waiting at least three minutes, which doesn’t sound like much, but when yoo’re sitting there, is a fucking eternity.  Do da dumb, do da dumb.  Here I sit waiting.  Waiting.  And waiting. And waiting.  Another fucking genius decides to pull into our alley, despite seeing what I am doing and there is not a fucking inch to get by, but he’s special and needs to get through.  Going where I do not know, but of course I have to move out of his way.  Meanwhile idiot one and two are apparently having a visit in their vehical.  Still waiting, and waiting and waiting. Finally after about six or seven minutes, Madame Einstein decides to leave. 

     As most of you know, I am a patient man… well not really.  I wanted to jump out and slug both of these women.  These is not a fucking parking spot to have within a two mile radius and these two fucking morons are solving the world’s problems in the front seat of her car.  How fucking considerate.  Thank you very much. 

And Pete; you wonder why I live in a bubble?  It's either that or kill someone.  I choose the bubble.     

   

Ya, Occupy This…

I don’t know much about Wall Street.  The only thing I do know about Wall Street is the old Groucho Marks joke: You know how to make a small fourtune on Wall Street?  Start with a large fourtune.

I have seen on TV the ‘occupy Wall Street’ bullshit and as usual my cynical side takes over and I wonder about it.  The first thing that I notice is the age of the people who are ‘occupying Wall Street’.  It appears to me that they are composed mainly of my favorite group of people: the under forty group.  As I have stated before, I am the anti-Timothy Leary.  Whereas he said to not trust anyone over forty, I believe that you shouldn’t trust anyone under forty (with very few exceptions like the boy!). 

I must wonder what the  group of under forty have to protest about.  What, have they not had their self-esteem pumped up lately by everyone?  They can’t afford a Beemer like their rich-assed parents? Did someone tell them no? Did they meet an old ‘acquaintance’ and forget to hug like they love each other?  Did someone forget to get the moccha roccha choccha latta they they can’t manage to go anywhere without? Did someone not allow them to bring their dog everywhere?  Did someone not allow them to buy their three hundred dollar jeans?

Ya, life is  fucking horrible for them isn’t it?  This is a generation that thinks they must have everything, now.  Not an apartment, not a nice little house, but a fucking mansion, loaded.  And don’t forget the two big vehicals in the driveway.  And they are fucking complaining?

Occupy Edmonton is a joke.  How come those people are not working?  They want to complain about the economic conditions and they don’t work?  And the loud-mouth leader talking about ‘workshopping ideas’.  Here’s a fucking idea: shut up and get a job. Workshop that.  Sleeping in tents and having Starbucks coffee.  Give me a fucking break.

I remember the 60’s (I am old enough) when people protested the war and freedom.  These fucking clowns are protesting so that they can have a have a bigger house and more cars in their driveway before they are forty.  As Keener says, “Give me strength.”

Are the now (as in give it to me NOW) generation fucked up or what?  Exactly what hardships have they endured in the short lives?

Here are some ideas for them to work on instead:

-       Go read to your kid.  And do it again tomorrow and the day after and the day after that.  Have enough discipline and selflessness to do that for a while.  Maybe that will not be cool, but your kids will benefit.  Try talking to your child, whilst driving in that Land Rover instead of turning on the DVD.

-       Learn to drive.  I know you think you can drive, but you think you know a lot of things that you don’t.  Start with signalling, then work yourself up to not texting while driving, ok?

-       Do an honest days work, without spending three quarters of you time on the cell phone. Oh, ya and get there on time for a change. 

-       Pick up you dog’s shit?  I’m not sure who you think is going to do it for you, but humble yourself.

-       Consider someone else for just a moment and do something for someone else.  I know that doesn’t fit into your me, me, me world,  but just try it.

-       Get rid of the fucking Lulu Lemon attire and the ‘I’m one of Mao’s people’ hat and just wear something practical, not cool.

-       Control your overwhelming desire to get yet another fuckig tatoo.  I know it’s cool but enough already.

But of course you don’t have time to do any of these things.  To busy occupying Edmonton.   

Today's Music - As seen on SNL

I know that I am an old fart.  Actually an old miserable fart but I don't care: today's music (or what passes as music) is fucking ridiculous.  I am sitting here watching SNL and I must admit that this is the only time I listen to anything that is played today, but the bands that come on make me sick. SNL has always prided itself with bringing the top musical acts of the times to New York to perform.  Over the past thirty years the greatest rock and roll bands have graced the SNL studios. Stones, McCartney, Paul Simon (that's for you Jimmer), U2, Nirvana, and on and on.
I now watch to see this generations 'best' and I am disgusted.  I quit listening to radio music in the early 90's because I couldn't stand it any more.  I took the old fart's way out and began listening to CBC.  Every song on the radio was lousy.  The music stunk, the lyrics were pretentious and shallow and the modern rockers (alleged) were despicable.  Other than that it was great!
I now only listen to classic rock on satellite.  I know... I'm stuck in a time warp but I don't give a fuck.  Have you listened to the crap that has been produced in the past two decades.  Do you think they are going to be playing this bullshit in thirty years?  Not fucking likely.
As I have said, my only contact with today's music is SNL so I have decided to write up a review of the musical acts that perform, and I use the term loosely, on the show.
Here are the first 'performers' of the year.

Radiohead 

 Radiohead just played a song that has left me staring at the screen with a look of bewilderment and revulsion. These fucking guys are famous?  Are you kidding me?  During the first inaudible song,  Radiohead just played a song that has left me staring at the screen with a look of bewilderment and revulsion. The lead singer, some fucking scrawny little Englishman,  was obviously dancing to a different song.  Perhaps it was just playing in his head.  I would like to criticize the lyrics but I couldn’t understand one fucking word.  I ask again… and these guys are famous?  C’mon.

And I am to believe that Radiohead is a tremendously successful band.  WTF?

Foster the People 

WTF.  Have the 80’s returned?  What a bunch of crap.   Bubble gum meets crap.   Lyrically lame.  Muscially lame.  They look lame.  And they fucking think they are great.  Here is a little hint, don’t just repeat the same line over and over and over again.  Try something new you fucking loser.  And they got applause.  How low is the music bar?   What should have happened is the old joke about the vaudville who came on stage as a  comedian and left as a fruit stand. These duds should have been pelted with various squishy fruits.  The more rotten, the better.  

 They should be named Foster the Fucking Useless Band.  More like it…

2^nd song:  Like most bands today, they try way to hard to be cool.  Keith Richards didn’t have to try… he was.  These fucking guys do everything over the top to show how cool they are.  Here some advice… try being good.  How about that for a novel idea?   Kenny Gee??? Are you fucking kidding me?  Nice hair buddy.  He looks like a homely Tiny Tim.  Absolutly brutal music.  I have already forgotten it.

Drake: 

 I know I’m an old fart…Jimmer called me that after my hockey rant , but I don’t care.  Fucking rap is bullshit music.  I have had grade one students write poems that are better than these that just keep rhyming the same over and over again. Pain, rain, gain, main, sane, lane blah, blah blah. … lame. Wow what clever lyrics.  Just a bunch of stupid rhymes put together.  A man, had a pan, with a fan, his name was Stan… Fucking stupid music.

This clown is dancing around like he’s Elvis, yapping about whatever, and then the backup singers begin.  Only problem being… of course there were no back up singers.  The song was called ‘I Know’.  Well I’ll tell you what I know…. It sucked!

2nd song:  WTF is this 'guest singer' doing?  She is dressed in black spandex tights and what looks like a one piece swim suits.  It is too bad she looks like a bag of spuds. Ick!  Song called 'I'm So...'  Ya? Well I'm so fucking sick of this crap I could hurl.  

Is there no good music left in the world?