Air Canada: How I Love Thee... Let Me Count The Ways

   Sorry Paul, but I cannot go any longer without giving my two bits worth about out national carrier.  We flew last night to Victoria, via Vancouver (wow, three v - words in a row, must be a world's record).  MDW used her Aero Plan points and per usual, Air Canada gave us the shittiest times possible.  We booked this flight in January and we still got crapped upon.  We left home at 8:30 P.M.

and arrived in Victoria at 10:30.  Didn't get to our hotel until after midnight.  Nice times AC.  Lucky thing we spent so much money to accumulated the points so we could have such a special reward from AC.  Good for them, bad for us.   You fucking guys!

   Let's start with the flight from Edmonton to Vancouver.  Crammed in, you don't even get anything good on the TV.  West Jet gives you live TV.  I watched NCAA basketball all the way to 

Toronto in March and fucking AC gives you videos to watch.  Old fucking videos. Then, we don't even get a fucking bag of pretzels or Bits & Bites.  Nice.  What a joke.  We flew to Vancouver in April with West Jet and they offered a little snack, but fucking AC gives you nothing.  Good way to begin your trip: leave so late that you are not getting to your hotel until after midnight and they cheap out on the mini snack. 

    So we get to Vancouver and are sent to a gate #31 which is at the end of the world, literally.  It was right next to the tarmac.  In fact, the small prop planes would arrive and almost taxi right up to the window.  You couldn't hear the person next to you speak.  The lady at the desk was wearing big safety ear phones to block out the sound.  Then they would open the doors and the noise was like the end of the world.  This went on for about an hour.  Very pleasant.  Quite enjoyable. 

      Finally it was our turn to take off and MDW and I were near the front of the line to go through the desk.  MDW did what she always does for every flight that we go on: she has our passports and puts the boarding passes in them and hands them to the person.  MDW always goes first (see I am a gentleman, whether we are at the airport or lining up to buy a big screen TV).  I would estimate that we have gone, in our 35 years together; on over a hundred flights (see where our money goes!!) and no one has ever said anything to us about MDW having both passports; until tonight.  This fucking ignorant, power controlling whore, says to MDW, "each person has to have their own passport."  And then she said " you know, it is against the law for a person to have another person's passport in their hands."  Oh really?  Well, thank you very much.  My life is fucking complete.  Now I know the proper way to go through a check-in desk.  Fucking Judge Judy is citing the law for us.  I was unaware that this lady had passed the fucking bar exam and is now setting everyone in the world straight on passport law. Home land security can rest easy knowing that this broad is on guard.  I wonder if this is just a part time job for this apparently highly trained lawyer?  

      I was not particularly  happy with AC and now having to listen to this bitch trying to exert her power over people was difficult to take.  It took every ounce of self control I had to not be sarcastic to this women for her 'helpful hint'.  I was a little sarcastic, saying "Really?  Thank you very much for that information."  I wanted to rip her throat out.  I don't get a little snack, but I do get a little lesson in the proper method of handing something to, apparently; the  most fucking important person on earth.  I guess all of the hundreds of people working at check-in desks across the world have been fucking up for the past 35 years.  Only Little Miss Know Everything is doing it correctly.  I have a little bit of advice for you lady: why don't you grab a big can of FUCK OFF?  And what can you do?  If you say anything, they have the power to basically do anything they want to you.  Just what I want, some power-crazed woman sending me to the guys with rubber gloves, spreading me out on the tarmac face down.  Does that cost me extra Aero plan points madame?

    Then we get to walk out on the tarmac and board the plane. Tarmac?   WTF?  Are we in some third world country?  What are we: drug dealers?  I have walked out on the tarmac twice in my life and both times it was in backward countries.  This is Canada, not some island off the coast of nowhere!  (Getting off the plane, we were told to stop for safety reasons: some yutz was driving a garden tractor and had to make a half circle turn in front of us at about 1/4 of a mile an hour.   Ya, some big fucking safety situation).  

     This is exactly AC to a tee: they give you fucking shitty service at a premium price, yet they are condescending and belittling to you at the same time.  The old double whammy.  I have never heard one person ever say "Gee, Air Canada is a great airlines,"  Have you heard that?  Everyone I know despises AC, but what the fuck are you going to do?  They got you by the short and curlies and they know it. I will give AC credit for being a safe airline.  They haven't had a lot of disasters in their history.  Their pilots are top caliber.  I feel tremendously safe when flying with them.  Despite having confidence in their safety, I always feel like I need to kiss their asses after flying with them.  It's like they did me a great service by taking my enormous amount of money and getting somewhere that I want to go.  I have never felt that AC cared about me as a customer or that my needs and feeling ever are important to them.  They make it entirely clear that they control all situations, and if you don't like it, too fucking bad. 

    Our return trip started off with a 3:15 A.M. wake up call.  Thank you Air Canada.  Nice fucking reward for our Aero Plan points.  Our pre-dawn trip to Vancouver was without incident until while sitting on the plane ready to deplane, they called our name (which can never be good) to talk to the guy on the run way (again, are we in Nicaragua?).  Well, surprise, surprise, the guy tells us that they have moved us from the 9:00 A.M. flight to the 7:00 A.M. flight.  Great, we get home a couple hours earlier.  MDW asked me what I was going to say about AC now.  They actually did something nice.  Isn't that wonderful?  AC actually doing something good for someone, us!  Am I wrong about AC?  Could I probably be wrong?  Hmmm ….

    Well of coarse I was not wrong.  AC fucked us over one more time.  Upon arrival in Edmonton we discovered … OUR LUGGAGE WAS LEFT IN VANCOUVER.  Ahhh wonderful.  AC shows their true colours.  How fucking difficult is it to get our luggage home with us.  As I have said earlier in this rant that we have traveled quite a bit and only twice in thirty five years has our luggage not made it back with us.  Both times it was AC and both times it was from Vancouver to Edmonton.  Upon arrival, the 'helper' assured us that our luggage would be on the next flight.  We arrived at 9:30 A.M. We decided that would wouldn't go to the farm to do some gardening, so not to miss the call when our stuff arrived.  Me, being the eternal pessimist, said we wouldn't get our stuff until 8:00 P.M..  I was wrong, it was 8:30 P.M.  Thank you AC for another screw job.  

    By the way, we handed our passports to the agent the same way we always did and of coarse nothing was said about this being against the law or incorrect. Fucking lady.  Fucking Air Canada. 

Chicago, Atlanta and Dallas

 As promised here are my likes and dislikes with the remaining teams in the NBA playoffs:

Chicago

Rose: as already noted at Christmas time, I have changed my tune on him.  Incredibly explosive.  Like a rubber ball.  Still a shaky shooter but can beat anyone to the hoop.  Shows that you can overcome the coaching of Calipari.

Noah: Not the asshole I thought (I'm rarely wrong… and when I am I don't admit it!). Can't shoot (jump shot looks like the planets revolving around the sun!), has no offence but plays his ass off.  Energy galore.  Energizer bunny.  Needs a haircut and a shave, so not to look so French.

Boozer: WTF is with that hairline. Battier and him both look like their hairlines begins around their nose.  It that a Dook thing? Body by Charles Atlas.  As stated he's a Dookie so he's got that against him.  Hot and cold.  With those shoulders he should get every rebound.  Tries using his Dook brain instead of his obvious brawn.  That's why he only get about 5 rebounds a game.

Bogans:  Just happy to be there.

Deng: Another Dookie.  Should be better than he is. Usually look confused. He has that African 'I need a meal' look on his face. Can't dribble.  WTF Ratface, don't teach them to dribble at Dook? 

Big White Stiff Backup Center ( Buddy What's his name) - enough said

Gibson: WTF is with that first name?

Korver: Ashton Kutcher lookalike.  Too bad he often shoots like him. 

Atlanta

Smith: Every basket he scores results in him preening, strutting and generally acting like a horse's ass.  Please Josh, shoot another three… please … please!

Johnson: Not really worth 80 million is he?  Just a tad overrated.  Occasionally good, mostly average, sometimes sucky.  Not a good ratio for an alleged super star.

Horford: A really good player, playing out of position with a bunch of knuckleheads.  Would be a superstar at power forward.  Love his game.  His dad was a stiff.

Teague: Grudge against him from his days at Wake Forrest.  He beat Carolina once, that's enough for me.  His brother is better and he is in High School.  That's not good for Atlanta.

J. Collins: Him and his twin brother suck.  That would be double suckage.  

Crawford: Where to begin?  A raging shoot-a-holic.  Unfortunately not a make-a-holic.  Michigan man.  Not aware of how bad he is.  Delusional.  He is under the assumption that he is great.  He is incorrect.

Zaza: It is not a good sign that the other Zsa Zsa (Gabor) rebounds better than him.  He's got that 5 o'clock shadow going 24/7.  He was made for the EBA (European Basketball Association).

Williams: Should have stayed at Carolina more than one year.  Has not fulfilled his potential.  Carolina man, so I won't be too harsh on him.

Larry Drew (alleged coach): Jerk.  Bad parent.  Lousy coach.  What else…? Bad dresser.  Reason: read about what him and son did to Carolina this year. 

Dallas

Dirk: I think his nickname should be 'Diddler', for obvious reasons.  Best 7 foot shooter in history.  Has made himself a good rebounder.  Defense is deplorable.  If he was guarding Hitler, the allies would have gotten him in no time.  Couldn't guard a statue.  

Chandler: Tough guy.  Wants to fight everyone.  Can't wait until him and Perkins go at it.  Could be a Texas cage match.  Can't shoot, but defends well and rebounds.  Used to be a bigger horse's ass, but has matured a bit.

Marian: Rob's favorite player… not!   Interesting jump shot.  Who the hell taught him that?  Not the player he was before but can guard and will score enough to keep his man honest.  Should have stayed in Phoenix with Stevie Noosh. 

Terry:  See Crawford for description of Terry.  Love how he has his headband a little cockeyed (that one is for Dom!). I must admit he doesn't hurt his team the way Crawford does.  Still, he was coached by Lute Olsen (WTF is up with that name?), so for him to be successful means he had to overcome a lot. 

Barrea:  Who is going to knock this guys head off next?  Everyone is lining up to take a shot at this poor bastard.  What did he do to deserve this?

Stevenson: Nice neck tattoo you gangster.  Lucky to have a job.  Will be incarcerated as soon as he is out of the league.

Kidd: A great player who plays hard, and says nothing.  Hall of fame.  They used to call him Robo-guard when he was in high school.  I liked that!  Just think how great he would have been if he could shoot.  Scary.  

Haywood: Carolina man.  Zero offense, some defense.  Has played about a dozen years in the Association.  Can you believe all the money he has made with so little talent other than being 7 feet tall.  He should thank God every day that Coach Smith made him a player. 

     My hope is that OKC and Chicago play in the finals. That means that Dallas and Miami will be in the finals. Bet the house on it. 

  

NBA Playoffs - loves and hates

I have commented on the hockey playoffs and now it is basketball's turn.  Hockey bores me to tears (sorry Sheebs), but the NBA is so unlikeable.  The hockey players are tremendously unskilled, but they are at least likeable.  The NBA players are despicable.  How can you cheer for most of these fucking guys? Lets start with the Boston/Miami series:
Boston
Kevin Garnett: Ohhhh, Mr. H. R. Huff and Puff.  Look how tough I am.  I can look mean, but I play like a little girl.  Here's a hint, make a fucking jump shot when it counts, ok Kev?
Ray Allen: great shooter, lousy gum chewer.  Looks like a horse. Less chew, more shots!
Rajon Rondo: Ick.  Break your are somewhere else please.  Gross.  Lucky he can't shoot so having a broken elbow doesn't really affect his game.  He still runs around like a junior high player trying to steal the ball all game.  Must have played junior high ball at Jean Vanier.
Paul Pierce:  Tough guy.  Takes one knife in the back a few years back and he thinks he's tough.  Always plays up his injuries.  Cries wolf one too many times.  He's done.  Too old.  Too ugly.
Krestic: Bad hair.  European hair weave model.  Plays about two good minutes per game.  Sucks the rest.
Big Baby:  Mr. Cross-Eyes.  Is it possible to have a negative vertical jump?  Doesn't just play below the rim, plays below the hardwood.  Never met a meal he didn't like. Everyone wishes he went after a rebound with the same enthusiasm  that he goes after the post game spread.
Jermaine O'Neal: used to be a good player.  Now just thinks he's a good player.
Delonte West: red headed, tattooed necked, punk of questionable mental stability (remember motorcycles and guns?). Couldn't piss in the ocean if he was ankle deep in the water.  Brutal shooter.
Jeff Green: Sucked at Georgetown, was made to look good at OKC because of Durant, Durant.  Now just looks horrible.  Looks so scared I thought he was caucasian.
Carlos Arroyo:  Apparently he gets paid by the dribble.  They would rather play with a one armed man than let this fucking guy play.  How bad is that?

Miami
LBJ: Poster boy for the modern athlete.  Aren't we all lucky to be able to see his wondrous talents at play?  Just think how great he would be if he actually won something?
Wade: He's great but he seems to piss a lot of people off on the other teams.  Wonder why?
Bosh: A big fraidy cat.  Not really one of the big three, more like big two and a half.  A decent player but not really likeable.  Bill Macdonald clone (disappears when the going gets tough).  When they play in the finals, Bosh might implode right up his ass.  Not a pressure player...
Anthony: Canadian.  That's all that is good about him.  How could a basketball player get to that age and status and shoot like that?
Bibby: Fucking dwarf. Still pissed off for him beating Carolina in '97. Too many tattoos and not enough made jump shots.  He's done.
James Jones: Three words to describe him: jump shots and ears.
Mario Chambers: I am holding a bit of a grudge against him for Kansas beating Carolina in the final four in 2008.  Can't shoot, can't pass, can't defend.  Other than that, he's great.
Juwan Howard: Another winner from Michigan. Oh, right, they never won anything.  He's about a hundred years old and never won.  But I'll bet he's rich...

OKC
Durant:  Best player in the league.  Frankson clone. Knows that this is not his first basket and it will not be his last.  Plays with a confidence that comes with knowing you are better than everyone else.  Just like Frankson.  Plays hard, never complains, never showboats. Can't decide which nickname I like better: Durantula or Durant, Durant.  You choose.  Doesn't even get pissed when Westbrook shoots every fucking time.
Westbrook: Apparently gets paid by the shot.  Thinks a pass is something you make at a girl.  Physically incredible. Not really getting the whole point guard thing.  Every night that he takes more shots than Kevin Durant, someone should take him out behind the stadium and kick his ass. If, and this is a very big if, he ever gets it, he will be incredible and OKC will be champions.  I am betting on a lot of ass kickings instead.
Perkins: Ohhh, another Mr. Mean.  Lighten up Francis.  Who shit in your corn flakes?  I can't decide what is worse: his constant scowl, his hands or his jump shot? Hey Perkins; I know you want to win but how about being happy occasionally?  Oh ya, bad beard.
Ibaka: I got nothin'
Sefolosha: Runs around and does nothing.  Non-factor
Collison: Collision is more like it.  The kind of guy you hate to play against but love to have on your team. Scrappy. Very Caucasian.
Harden: Suspected Taliban. Love how he plays.  Gamer.  Definitely needs a shave.
Maynor:  Will always love him for beating Duke in the tournament while at VCU.  

Memphis
Randolph: Looks like he  escaped from Alberta Hospital.  A little thick, hasn't missed too many meals.  Legendary hoodlum. Hall of fame Portland Jailblazer.  More arrests than your average criminal.  Can play though...
Gasol: Doesn't look like a Frenchman (like his big nostrilled brother).  Flops around a little, like most European basketball players. Could become a dancing bear in the circus when his playing days are over.
Connolly:  Nicely trimmed moustache buddy.  Maybe spend more time working on that jump shot and less time in the barber chair.  His dad is still the best athlete in that family.
Sam Young/Tony Allen: non-descript.
O.J. Mayo: O.J.?  Bet his parents are cursing the day they named him that.  Never met a shot he didn't take.  Shyster.  Crook from USC.  Don't trust him. Hear his dad is a bad guy also.  Apples don't fall far from the tree.
Arthur: My name's Darrell.  It's spelt like Darrel but it's pronounced Da-rel. Another Kansas guy that I have a grudge against.
Vasquez: That greasy bastard from Maryland.  Never liked him there, don't like him in the NBA.  He sucks.  Shoots like he's throwing rocks at rabbits back in Mexico. Not a handsome man...

Maybe tomorrow I will discuss Chicago and Atlanta.  Dallas isn't getting off scot free either, I will get to them.