New York, New York, New York (Steve Martin version)

New York, New York

Ahhh, the 'Big Apple"!  As I sit here at Macy's, on West 34 Street, I marvel at the noise, busy-ness, and pace of the street.  It is an incredible place, but fucking scary.  Not scary that I am in danger, but scary in that the city could swallow you up and no one would notice.  People just go, head down, ass up.  Taxis honking, police and fire vehicles screaming past, steam rising, cars flying, people yelling their wares on every corner. Noise everywhere.  The first thing I noticed was that this was not at all like my bubble.  My question is: What the fuck am I doing here? This is everything that I hate.  People, change, crazy pace, noise, the unknown.  

Yet in spite of all of this craziness, I really like NYC.  There is a total lawlessness that is prevalent. People do whatever they want and unless they are doing something against the law or to someone specifically, it's cool.  This goes against all I stand for: law abiding, conformity and anonymity.  I usually throw up when people in Edmonton act the way people in NYC act, but here it works.  I guess when in Rome …

We got into the city yesterday (Sunday) at about five o'clock.  Unlike what I thought it would be, the traffic was horrendous.  And the toll booths.  WTF?  Driving in this city is unbelievable.  You have to be insane to drive here.  To say the drivers are a little aggressive would be like saying Carolina sucks (I told you they would not win!) - an understatement.  We stay in Flushing because I know that the hotel we stayed in last year has a parking lot.  Yes, Flushing is not Manhattan but where the fuck do you park in Manhattan?   The Subway or the Railroad takes twenty minutes to get you Manhattan and it is easy. 

We stay in the centre of Chinatown.  The food is incredible, the pace is hectic, and the noise is non-stop.  The markets and food stores are so interesting.  Trying to keep MDW focused on going somewhere is next to impossible.  "Follow the keys, dear.  Come on, keep going…"  We ate last night at a place we had tried a couple of years ago with the boy.  It was called Spicy and Tasty and the menu was in a word: interesting.  I am not sure I would try entrails or some of the other tantalizing dishes on the menu so we had a shrimp dish (spicy) and a mildly spicy chicken/peppers dish.  The mildly spicy chicken just about blew our head off.  I would hate to have the spicy chicken.  The spicy shrimp was not spicy at all.  Maybe something got lost in the translation.  Either way, it was delicious and relatively inexpensive. Cash only. Interestingly the music playing in the restaurant was 'Jingle Bells'.  

This morning we had breakfast in our hotel and at the next table was a group of Buddhist monks.  One old guys seemed to be of somewhat importance and their conversation was much more intense and of a spiritual nature, than ours.  While they discussed the saving of Western man from their eternal damnation, MDW and I discussed the merits of the breakfast buffet or ordering off the menu.  

As a side note, we noticed that the waiter was the same Spanish fellow we had the year before.  The only thing that I can tell you about him is that he is a dead ringer for 'Manual' in the TV show 'Fawlty Towers'.  I could not understand anything he said, which is bad because while MDW went to the 'bathroom' (more of this later), Manual and I had a two minute conversation concerning the Buddhists.  I do not know what he said at all.  Not one fucking word.  I should have gotten up like Fawlty and gave him a slap in the back of the head…

Yet's talk about washroom, as we say.  What the fuck is the American deal about calling them bathrooms.  Where exactly is the bath in this room?  Some old guy at the Wal-Mart (see I am even going into Wal-Marts now!) looked at me like I was an alien for asking him where the washroom was.  He specifically said the 'bathroom' was over there.  Oh really, a bathroom? Really?  After visiting the can, I wanted to go back to him and ask him exactly where the bath was, in this bathroom of his?  I don't think he would have found it as funny as I would have.

Americans are crazy about not letting people use their washrooms, or they don't have one in their store, or they have them in the most unfindable places on earth.  Do they not think that people need to relieve themselves whilst out and about?  You would think that you were asking to fondle their sister, the way they protect the 'bathroom'.  Jesus, I just need to piss, for fucks sake. Finding a washroom to use in the USA is more is a mission of frustration and futility, than of relief.  I just don't get it. 

Tomorrow I will tell you about our day of food tour, BBQ NYC style, and Spiderman… oh ya, and a billion fucking people.

Airline Travel

  I have one good thing to say about air travel.  It is amazing that you can be one place and then however many house later, you can be on the either side of the world.  Despite that amazing thing, there are so many crappy things about flying that it is hard to count them, but here goes:

1. The cost.  Is it my fault that airplanes, gas, airports, pilots, ground workers, and on and on and on, are so expensive to maintain?  I hardly think so, but apparently I have to pay for it all.  It is truly amazing that it can cost more to fly to the Maritimes than it does to go to Europe. The cost of flying is ridiculous but when was the last time you flew that the fucking plane had any unoccupied space?  That's right… the day before never.

2. Waiting at airports.  Kill me now!  You must be there some many hours ahead of time.  You must check in so many hours ahead of time.  Going through security takes forever.  Clearing customs takes forever and a day (and don't forget the unpleasantness as well!).  Meanwhile you grow older and older.  Wouldn't we all like to have back all the hours spent sitting in an airport?

3. Isn't going through security fun?  Nothing I like better than to be nearly stripped naked, groped (caressed?) excessively, having to explain your items, walk through a narrow, scary, suddenly beeping passageway (reminds me of the thing that Sirius Black fell through and died in HP 5), and and have all of your unmentionables ogled at by some under educated, drooling doofus.  And all this after waiting in line for up to an hour.  You also have to pretend you are not pissed off or they will really probe you.

4. Clearing customs is always a million laughs.  Stand behind the line.  Don't move until told.  Explain your existence and  gratitude for being able to enter 'their country'.  Makes you feel like a fucking criminal every time you do it.  Even when you are completely innocent you still feel dirty.  How much did this key chain cost?  Did you buy these stinky underwear on your trip?  Why are you going there? Here's a good answer for all custom guards: go fuck yourself.  Wouldn't it be great to be able to treat them like they treat you?  How fast would they have you in shackles and themselves in rubber gloves if you gave them the answer you like to give them when they ask what you are going to do in their country.  Pricks, all of them.

5. Overbooking.  Isn't it great when the airlines overbook because they know that X number of idiots will buy tickets and then not show up. How stupid are the people who buy tickets and not show up is another question?  I asked my former bother-in-law (the pilot) why airlines overbook and of coarse they have done in-depth studies about the number of people that don't come so they overbook in the search for more money.  Then the inevitable happens; everyone shows up.  Ohhh-oooo.  What to do now?  I know, we will beg people to delay their flight with the promise of a travel voucher.  They start off low and the longer they have to wait, the greater the pressure to increase the voucher value.  I say fuck them.  That is their problem.  MDW always says she would do it for a voucher.  Yesterday they started by offering $200.  WTF? Where can you go for $200?  Calgary.  BFD.  The brother in law told us once that they often leave luggage behind if the plane is over booked so that they save money on gas.  It costs less to have it hand delivered by taxi tomorrow, than to burn the extra gas today with a full plane.  Goddamn crooks, I say!

6. Carry on luggage.  I love the asshole who comes on board carrying everything but the kitchen sink.  He's got a laptop, suitcase, duffle bag, coat, his wife's sister's baby carriage, and several other things.  He now proceeds to stand in the middle of the isle and block all traffic whilst he carefully places his twenty-four items safely in the overhead storage.  Considerate people like that should be beaten and left for dead.

7.  Luggage.  They graciously allow you to take one bag. One little bag and don't be on ounce over the limit or you pay through the nose.  They are making it harder and harder to take any luggage at all on a trip.  They would love if you only took carry on luggage, which I don't really understand.  Now correct me if I am wrong and may a bug fly up my nose if I am, but isn't carry on luggage the real danger with terrorist?  I would think that they would like you to check all of your luggage through so that they can do a thorough scanning.  But that would cost them more money because the more luggage you have the more weight there is and the greater the costs for fuel.  So they would rather you bring carry on luggage, which is much more dangerous for terrorist activity, so they don't have to pay for fuel.  Safety and security doesn't really seem to be their motive here does it?  Money, money, money. And in that vane, now some airlines are charging you just for taking any luggage along with you on your trip.  UH hmmm. That's just fucking great.

8. Is it just me but is there not an abnormal amount of retards flying these days?  Just look around you.  There is fucking weirdos everywhere on the plane. That may be profiling but … 

9. Loud talking people.  Do I need to hear every person in the airport blabbing on their phone or to their stupid in-laws or family, whilst waiting so uncomfortably at the airport.  What ever happened to people just sitting talking quietly to their spouse or children without everyone the entire fucking place knowing all their 'bid-ness'?  Like I fucking care!

10. Airport/airlines rules.  Jesus there are a lot of rules involved in flying.  Don't do this, don't do that, no you can't do that, wait here, don't go on until such and such times.  Rules, rules, rules.  Like James Woods said on the Simpsons: "I've had it up to here with your rules.  Just give the friggin gun!" Enough with the rules already.

11. Parking at the airport.  Where else in the world would you park ten miles away and take a shuttle?  Would you do that for a restaurant? Shopping?  No where.  If you park close, they have all these rules about where you can park, how long you can park, not idling you car, blah, blah, blah.  Then there is the cost. Your left nut is the going rate.

12. I am stupid when it comes to checking in.  I don't really want to do it.  They have machines that are somewhat intimidating or lines as long as my list of complaints about drivers.  Again you wait and wait, then they pretend to be nice when really they want to tell you to shut up and get on the plane.  They don't really have to be nice because they already have your money so what the fuck are you going to do about it?  They carry on a personal conversation whilst you wait.  They don't care.  They don't care.  They got your cash, that's all that counts.

13. The attitude of the people working really sucks and AC is the worst.  They are condescending, arrogant, snippy and downright prickly.  And why can they be that way?  Because they have your fucking money that's why and they don't give a fat rat's ass about anything you say or need.  Simple really!

14. Airplane food.  Woody Allan once said about airplane food: " it is really horrible, and such small portions."  Now you don't ever get any food.  They give you a drink and a tiny bag of pretzels that you eat like it is filet mignon.  If you were sitting at home and someone gave you that snack you would throw it in the garbage but on the plane you scarf it down you were a starving man.  Pathetic.  Thanks for nothing.  Luckily flying is so inexpensive…

15. Airplane seats.  Comfy aren't they?  Talk about getting up close and personal with one of the fucking weirdos on the plane. Just what I want to do: rub elbow (and a lot more) with someone I don't know.  My bubble has very comfortable seats and lots of space. And then you got the fucking insensitive asshole in front of you who needs to recline in your lap just because. Full figured men like myself really enjoy that sardine feeling, believe me.  Maybe I should provide temple massages for money to offset my travel cost.  Just lay your head back here partner and I'll relax you up a little ...

16. Isn't it great that some people are so fucking important that they can not board an airplane without talking on their phone the entire time.  Who they fuck are they, 'the Don'? Shut the fuck up and put the phone down.  Or they can't stop their riveting conversation when they have been told to put all electronics away on take off.  "Ya, ya,, I just have to finish this call." (concerning the video game he was so into the night before).

    So that is it.  Despite all of these obvious downfalls, air travel is great, isn't it? 

Stores

 Yesterday I went to Superstore to buy a few item for MDW.  I don't mind going shopping, but I usually shop at Safeways because I know the lay of the land, so to speak.  I know where everything is and I know that when I am there, they will always have an open till to take my money.  I usually go to Safeway early in the morning, after dropping MDW off at school.  There is no one ever there at seven thirty so it is perfect for an anti-social person like myself.  In, out.  Beautiful.  

   With MDW going to see our family physician, who now has his office in the Superstore, which I find quite bizarre, but that is another story, I shopped a little and the first thing I noticed was that there was no tills open.  They force you to go through the self-check isle.  This really pisses me off.  As I see it, going shopping involves a rather simple premise: I come to your store, find the stuff I'm looking for, you take my money and put it in a bag and I go home.  Lovely.  That doesn't seem too difficult does it?   But no, in our stupid world, no longer can anything be simple.

    First off they made you bring your own bags, or you pay for theirs.  Then you had to bag your own groceries, because, fuck, how can you expect one of their workers to do it?  Now I have to not only buy unload the stuff, but scan them through the scanner, and then bag them, as well as running my card through the machine to pay for it.  The paying for it is always a problem because each store and machine is different and I seldom do it correctly, which makes a self-conscience person like myself stress about such stupid fucking things.  

    My question is this: what exactly is the store doing in the buy/sell transaction?  They do not do one fucking thing.  I drive there, I walk around finding the products, I put them on the counter, I scan the items, I bag the items, I pay for the items.  I, I, I, I I.  Again, what the fuck do they do for their profits?  This seems to me to be a very good deal for the stores and not such a good deal for the consumer.  

   Of coarse they tell you that by you doing everything, THEY are saving you money.  Bullshit, I say.  When was the last time you went to a store and saw a lower price than what it used to be?  Right, the day before never, that's when.  So, they have convinced the consumer that the consumer should do all the work, and they get all the profit.  Duh!  Good fucking deal for them, bad for us.  I say, fuck them.  I refuse to ever use the self-check out line when there is a person occupied till available, on principal alone.  My thinking is let those sons of bitches earn the money that I spend for their products.  

    I have been a little lax doing my DDDD.  Trust me when I tell you that MDW has not stopped cooking wonderful meals each and every night.  I am just a lazy bastard, that's all.  

This week's favorites were vegetarian chilli on Wednesday, a new kind of pizza on Tuesday (Italian sausage), that was delicious, although we both agreed that pepperoni pizza was better.   On Monday MDW made BBQ beef tenderloin, with roasted potatoes, Caesar salad, a hot veggie dish with zucchini, tomatoes, celery and onions, and cheese on the top.  Friday, I went and got supper at Yummy Noodle, which is a really good wok fried meal of noodles, veggies, chicken, and pork.  Even the esteemed 'Skinny Man' loves the Yummy Noodle and God  knows, he is never wrong about great eating establishments.  

    Tonight I believe that we will go to our favorite Thai place, Boualong.  I am not going to lie to you, the spicy food tastes better going in than coming out, but I'll suffer through it. Bon Appetite my friends.   

     Hey, how about those Tar Heels.  Jesus, they are killing me.  Even last nights fifteen point victory just about drove me up the fucking wall.  Up by fourteen, then the other team goes on a 14-0 run to tie, then UNC is up 13.  Up, let them back in.  Up again, let them back in.  Ol' Roy must be going crazy.  Is is too much to ask for a little consistency and mental toughness?  Jesus, if your up fifteen, blow them out by thirty for Christs' sake.   They may be young but grow a fucking brain will you.  I love my Tar Heels but they will not win more than one more game in the tournament.  When the going gets tough, these fucking Tar Heels will wilt like lettuce on a steamy afternoon.  If they get past Washington (a team they should beat by 15 at least), the good times will come to an end against Bones and the powerful Orangeman of Syracuse (that ones for you Michelle).  Jesus losing to the 'Cuse.  What a fucking disgrace that will be. 

    Coach, I told you how good Kyrie is.  Duke will win now for sure.  Ratface all the way.  I may have to kill myself. 

Who's That Knocking at My door?

    Something happened today that really pissed me off.  I was down stairs working on something to solve all the world problems, ummm, well actually I was down stairs fucking around doing nothing.  I saw someone walk past the window going to the front door.  WTF?  I heard the door bell ring and I ignored it per usual.   Then I thought I heard someone pound on the door.  MDW came downstairs and told me that there was someone at the door (she never answers the door - she get me to!).  I went up with malice in mind.  It is bad enough that some dick-head comes to my door because; apparently, they know that I need to buy something, or that I have forgotten to give some money to their cause, and not only ring my door bell, but then pound on the door. That is just fucking rude.  I never give them a hard time but I swear I am going to rip someone a new ass, the next time it happens.  What fucking right have they got to ring and pound?  I never asked them to come on to my property and invade my BUBBLE.  Fuck off!  When I want to buy something, I will go and get it.  If I want to donate to a cause, I will send my money.  I do not need any help from some fucking moron, whose only work skill is bothering me at my home.
    What is even worse is when someone opens the screen door and knocks on the inside door.  You should be able to shoot them with a shotgun!  Our neighbour had a garage sale one summer and some fucking idiot walked into our house 'looking' for the garage sale.  Looking for the garage sale?  Some people are too stupid to live. I like Charles Barkely's theory that you should be able to shoot two people a day, just to thin out the herd a little.
    I'll say it again: People are funny and by that I mean stupid. The next twenty year old loser, who can't get a real job, that rings the doorbell and then pounds on my door is going to get a blast.  I can't fucking wait!

DDDD
    As you can see, MDW has plenty of time cooking, since she doesn't answer the door and with that in mind, she whipped up some delicious meals the last couple of days.  On Monday we went Thai.  She made Pad Thai, with shrimp.  We also had spring rolls, cooked in the french fry maker.  She managed this quite quickly and it hardly was any effort, for me, other than eating.
    Today we had Greek. We had pork souvlaki, grilled on the BBQ, with roasted potato wedges, and  a Greek salad of cucumbers, green peppers, feta cheese, onions and oil.  MDW made her delicious Tzatziki sauce. The only bad thing about the whole thing was spilling potato on my shirt, which I will have to degrease tomorrow.  Luckily, I have time.   All in all, it was Greek-alicious.

Knob Update - Again

Sunday March 6th/11

   What a day.  Things seem to be falling into place here in Narnia.  The Oilers are descending into the abyss, baseball is in the air (Yahoo!), it's getting time to dance, and most important of all: my Tar Heels kicked the shit out of 'Ratface' and those yuppy bastards of Duke.  All is well with the world…

    My Thursday class with 'the knob' was; shall I say,  interesting.  Just when I thought he couldn't be a bigger asshole, he proves me wrong.  I will remind you that I am taking a class concerning renewable energy resources, and the class is dominated by this self-centred, know it all, who apparently thinks that the other 27 people in the class have come to hear him ask asinine questions and tell everyone that will listen, how much he knows about the subject of renewable energy (among other things).

    I really though we were going to have a great day when forty minutes into the class, 'the knob' had yet to arrive, but noooooooooo, in he comes. Carrying his own chair, wearing his rolled up toque on the top of his head (which he kept on the entire night, I might add), he strolls in and of coarse doesn't shut the door to a noisy hallway.  He stumbles to a spot furthest from the door, talking to himself, so loud that the instructor said, "pardon me?".  He continued to mumble as he walked and then spent five full minutes taking off his coat in a noisy fashion (but not that fucking toque).  Of coarse he did not get his class notes, so across the room he goes and noisily shuffles through the box with everyone's file in it, until he finds his notes and then stumbles back to his chair.

Then the fucking questions begin.  For the night he asked 42 questions, most of them not really on the topic that the instructor was talking about.  I really think that he asks these questions so he can answer them himself; all the better to show us how brilliant he is.  Time and time again, the instructor had to tell him that we would soon get to that topic.

Of coarse he doesn't listen to the instruction, instead talking so loudly to his neighbour that I can her him clearly on the other side of the room. I supposed you don't need to listen when you know everything.  Then why did you fucking pay $250 to attend, you arse hole?

    We had a long break, as we got into groups (thank God he is not in my group, or I would have to kill myself), to discuss some projects that we had.  That wasted another forty minutes, so out of the entire 180 minute class, he only had about 100 minutes to ask his riveting 42 questions.  As you can see, he dominates the entire class, the whole evening. 

Then the ultimate ignorant thing: cell phone ringing and he answers it and talks on it during class.  Blah, blah, blah, completely oblivious to the fact that there are others in the room?  Fuck!   

     Whilst asking one of his retarded questions about if someone could do some of this work on his own; he then referred to himself as a 'handy dude'.  A handy dude.  What a fucking knob.  He didn't say he was handy, or he was kind of handy, no, he said he was a 'handy dude'. 

My short attention span is tested every week.  

DDDD

MDW has been up to some good things these days.  Sunday brought a wonderful homemade pepperoni pizza, cooked on the Big Green Egg.  I am sure that whenever spring comes (May/June perhaps?) cooking outside on the Egg will not be such a problem, but let's  be honest; it's not hard for me at all.  I come upstairs and there is the pizza.  What's all the complaining about…?  I do the dishes, you don't hear me complain… that damn water can be a bit hot sometimes if I am not careful.   

     Friday was fries and burgers night.  I love that fry maker.  I think I might marry it.  

Thursday was vegetarian chilli which I really like.  I did my part by, well I ate.  That's something isn't it?