I have one good thing to say about air travel. It is amazing that you can be one place and then however many house later, you can be on the either side of the world. Despite that amazing thing, there are so many crappy things about flying that it is hard to count them, but here goes:
1. The cost. Is it my fault that airplanes, gas, airports, pilots, ground workers, and on and on and on, are so expensive to maintain? I hardly think so, but apparently I have to pay for it all. It is truly amazing that it can cost more to fly to the Maritimes than it does to go to Europe. The cost of flying is ridiculous but when was the last time you flew that the fucking plane had any unoccupied space? That's right… the day before never.
2. Waiting at airports. Kill me now! You must be there some many hours ahead of time. You must check in so many hours ahead of time. Going through security takes forever. Clearing customs takes forever and a day (and don't forget the unpleasantness as well!). Meanwhile you grow older and older. Wouldn't we all like to have back all the hours spent sitting in an airport?
3. Isn't going through security fun? Nothing I like better than to be nearly stripped naked, groped (caressed?) excessively, having to explain your items, walk through a narrow, scary, suddenly beeping passageway (reminds me of the thing that Sirius Black fell through and died in HP 5), and and have all of your unmentionables ogled at by some under educated, drooling doofus. And all this after waiting in line for up to an hour. You also have to pretend you are not pissed off or they will really probe you.
4. Clearing customs is always a million laughs. Stand behind the line. Don't move until told. Explain your existence and gratitude for being able to enter 'their country'. Makes you feel like a fucking criminal every time you do it. Even when you are completely innocent you still feel dirty. How much did this key chain cost? Did you buy these stinky underwear on your trip? Why are you going there? Here's a good answer for all custom guards: go fuck yourself. Wouldn't it be great to be able to treat them like they treat you? How fast would they have you in shackles and themselves in rubber gloves if you gave them the answer you like to give them when they ask what you are going to do in their country. Pricks, all of them.
5. Overbooking. Isn't it great when the airlines overbook because they know that X number of idiots will buy tickets and then not show up. How stupid are the people who buy tickets and not show up is another question? I asked my former bother-in-law (the pilot) why airlines overbook and of coarse they have done in-depth studies about the number of people that don't come so they overbook in the search for more money. Then the inevitable happens; everyone shows up. Ohhh-oooo. What to do now? I know, we will beg people to delay their flight with the promise of a travel voucher. They start off low and the longer they have to wait, the greater the pressure to increase the voucher value. I say fuck them. That is their problem. MDW always says she would do it for a voucher. Yesterday they started by offering $200. WTF? Where can you go for $200? Calgary. BFD. The brother in law told us once that they often leave luggage behind if the plane is over booked so that they save money on gas. It costs less to have it hand delivered by taxi tomorrow, than to burn the extra gas today with a full plane. Goddamn crooks, I say!
6. Carry on luggage. I love the asshole who comes on board carrying everything but the kitchen sink. He's got a laptop, suitcase, duffle bag, coat, his wife's sister's baby carriage, and several other things. He now proceeds to stand in the middle of the isle and block all traffic whilst he carefully places his twenty-four items safely in the overhead storage. Considerate people like that should be beaten and left for dead.
7. Luggage. They graciously allow you to take one bag. One little bag and don't be on ounce over the limit or you pay through the nose. They are making it harder and harder to take any luggage at all on a trip. They would love if you only took carry on luggage, which I don't really understand. Now correct me if I am wrong and may a bug fly up my nose if I am, but isn't carry on luggage the real danger with terrorist? I would think that they would like you to check all of your luggage through so that they can do a thorough scanning. But that would cost them more money because the more luggage you have the more weight there is and the greater the costs for fuel. So they would rather you bring carry on luggage, which is much more dangerous for terrorist activity, so they don't have to pay for fuel. Safety and security doesn't really seem to be their motive here does it? Money, money, money. And in that vane, now some airlines are charging you just for taking any luggage along with you on your trip. UH hmmm. That's just fucking great.
8. Is it just me but is there not an abnormal amount of retards flying these days? Just look around you. There is fucking weirdos everywhere on the plane. That may be profiling but …
9. Loud talking people. Do I need to hear every person in the airport blabbing on their phone or to their stupid in-laws or family, whilst waiting so uncomfortably at the airport. What ever happened to people just sitting talking quietly to their spouse or children without everyone the entire fucking place knowing all their 'bid-ness'? Like I fucking care!
10. Airport/airlines rules. Jesus there are a lot of rules involved in flying. Don't do this, don't do that, no you can't do that, wait here, don't go on until such and such times. Rules, rules, rules. Like James Woods said on the Simpsons: "I've had it up to here with your rules. Just give the friggin gun!" Enough with the rules already.
11. Parking at the airport. Where else in the world would you park ten miles away and take a shuttle? Would you do that for a restaurant? Shopping? No where. If you park close, they have all these rules about where you can park, how long you can park, not idling you car, blah, blah, blah. Then there is the cost. Your left nut is the going rate.
12. I am stupid when it comes to checking in. I don't really want to do it. They have machines that are somewhat intimidating or lines as long as my list of complaints about drivers. Again you wait and wait, then they pretend to be nice when really they want to tell you to shut up and get on the plane. They don't really have to be nice because they already have your money so what the fuck are you going to do about it? They carry on a personal conversation whilst you wait. They don't care. They don't care. They got your cash, that's all that counts.
13. The attitude of the people working really sucks and AC is the worst. They are condescending, arrogant, snippy and downright prickly. And why can they be that way? Because they have your fucking money that's why and they don't give a fat rat's ass about anything you say or need. Simple really!
14. Airplane food. Woody Allan once said about airplane food: " it is really horrible, and such small portions." Now you don't ever get any food. They give you a drink and a tiny bag of pretzels that you eat like it is filet mignon. If you were sitting at home and someone gave you that snack you would throw it in the garbage but on the plane you scarf it down you were a starving man. Pathetic. Thanks for nothing. Luckily flying is so inexpensive…
15. Airplane seats. Comfy aren't they? Talk about getting up close and personal with one of the fucking weirdos on the plane. Just what I want to do: rub elbow (and a lot more) with someone I don't know. My bubble has very comfortable seats and lots of space. And then you got the fucking insensitive asshole in front of you who needs to recline in your lap just because. Full figured men like myself really enjoy that sardine feeling, believe me. Maybe I should provide temple massages for money to offset my travel cost. Just lay your head back here partner and I'll relax you up a little ...
16. Isn't it great that some people are so fucking important that they can not board an airplane without talking on their phone the entire time. Who they fuck are they, 'the Don'? Shut the fuck up and put the phone down. Or they can't stop their riveting conversation when they have been told to put all electronics away on take off. "Ya, ya,, I just have to finish this call." (concerning the video game he was so into the night before).
So that is it. Despite all of these obvious downfalls, air travel is great, isn't it?
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