Los Angeles has long been called "the City of Lights". I dispute that claim. Sherwood Park is the new "City of Lights". Yes, LA has thirty million people illuminate the night sky; however, Sherwood Park is the worldwide leader of traffic lights. Bar none.
I have had the pleasure (?) of living in Sherwood Park for over forty-six years. There was one set of lights when I moved here, as there was only five thousand people in 1964. Forty-six years later, the same three main roads—Sherwood Park Freeway, Baseline Road, and Highway 16—attempt to accommodate the eighty-five thousand commuters that travel between Edmonton and the Park. In 1964 there was little problem getting people from the cosy bedroom community into the city on their daily drive to and from work. Not so now! The highly trained and educated visionaries, known as "County Planners", unfortunately have dropped the ball, so to speak, when it comes to realizing that three main thorough fares are not sufficient to move 85,000 people on a daily basis.
And what have they come up with to solve this obvious problem for the commuters? Traffic lights. Fucking traffic lights. Every fucking two hundred metres apart, there is another set of traffic lights. It is incredible. Here is a little fun sociological phenomena: enter Sherwood Park by the Freeway, head East over the overpass, and begin counting traffic lights. Then turn North down Sherwood Drive, towards Baseline Road, turn left at Baseline Road, and drive East to Highway 21. If you survive that drive without killing yourself, you are a better man than I. There must be at least 25 traffic lights in approximately six miles. Do the math. Unbelievable.
My question is: who the hell decided to put all of these traffic lights in Sherwood Park? Did they get some kind of fucking deal on a bunch of lights? How the traffic lights in Sherwood Park work has already been covered by this writer, and trust me when I tell you that over the Christmas holidays, it has driven me fucking crazy, per usual. Please reread my traffic light blog on this site.
My thinking is that they bought these lights in huge quantities and are forced to put them up so not to waste the taxpayer's money. As I ran on the treadmill, I thought of a conversation that some company flunky had with the County of Strathcona (oops, I mean Strathcona County… I wonder how much taxpayer's money was spent of that earth-shattering name change?) employee:
Flunky: "Ya, we can let you have these 500 traffic lights, and it will only cost you the same as if you bought 499."
County Idiot: (excitedly) "Ohh, we'll take 'em! Now do they all work?"
Flunky: "Well, they all work … to some degree."
CI: "What do you mean?"
F: "Well, the turning lights on all of them are a little inconsistent in terms of working. By that I mean that some don't work at all, some only work for a short time each day, and some only work for very, very short, intermittent stretches. This will add a little bit of mystery and excitement whenever someone pulls up to a light!"
CI: "Well that's not so good, is it?"
F: "No problem. Just tell everyone that you are doing a study concerning traffic flow and the new lights will reflect the results that you are getting. Trust me, all the people will believe anything you tell them. Just like the bullshit about all snow flakes being different. They'll eat it up."
CI: "Where will we use 500 lights?"
F: "No problem. Put them up every mile or so."
CI: "Hey, Sherwood Park is not that big."
F: "Even better. Put them up about one hundred metres apart and everyone will love the colours. It will be just like Christmas all year around."
CI: "Nice!"
And that is how Sherwood Park became the "City of Lights".
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