Christmas Eve and I am feeling a little... I don't know what. Santa's coming and I don't really want to go to bed quite yet so I thought I would comment upon several NBA players. Some I like; some I don't:
The Don'ts
- Luis Scola: WTF is with that headband? Can't he afford a real one? # 2 on the all crossed-eyed team.
- LBJ: Mr. Sincere. Yuck. Maybe he will get a jump shot for Christmas.
- Monta Ellis: He thinks a pass is something you make at a women.
- Andrew Bynum: Big body... little desire. Too bad.
- Pau Gasol: Such a little head. And such big nostrils. Looks like a Frenchman. Can play though!
- Kobe: What's with the eye brow? Is that his mean face?
- Derek Fischer: Used to like him. Now he's a thug. A little thug, but a thug never the less.
- Kevin Garnett: Mr. Huff and Puff. Look how mean I am before the game. Has anyone ever seen him knock someone down in the game. Didn't think so.
- Coach K: Duke. Ratface. Say no more.
- Carmelo Anthony: Another thug. Living on his 'Cuse days.
- J.R. Smith: Thank God he didn't go to Carolina. Major thug. Never met a shot he didn't like. He's a shooter... needs to be a maker!
- Chris Anderson: Nice tats. That hair is impressive... if you're living on the West End of London.
This is what happens when trailer people get money.
- John Calapari: Don't you feel like you need a shower after listening to him talk?
- Kentucky Basketball: You know how they cheat in the SEC in football? Guess who started it in the 50's with basketball? As Bob Knight says about Kentucky, "Those cheating bastards."
- TFT: ahhh, traded again. Back to fuck up Orlando. Let's see, Toronto didn't want him. Phoenix didn't even keep him until Christmas. I wonder if the flight is booked to Istanbul yet?
- Rajon Rondo: Please watch this guy the next time he's on TV. He never, ever, ever, guards his man. He just runs around and tries to steal the ball. Kind of like the best athlete in Junior High School. Shoots like it also. Probably cheats 'cus he from Kentucky.
- Vince Carter: When Dean Smith dies, he will spin in his grave every time Vin-sanity doesn't play hard to goes down with another pretend injury. Which mean it will happen each game at least twice. An embarrassment to UNC.
- Baron Davis: Watch how many time he comes down and shoots without anyone else on his team touching the ball. Leads the league in this category. And he is a point guard. Fuck!
- Chris Paul: He's a great player but he looks like he's a prick. I don't know... he just looks like it!
- Jose Calderon: Anyone who looks like Prince just can't be a basketball player. Next time he guards someone, will be the first.
- Shane Battier: WTF is up with the hair line? Is it his hairline or his eyebrow?
- Kurt Thomas: # 1 on the cross-eyed team. How in hell can he shoot straight?
- Manu Ginobili: Greasy bastard. How would you like to meet him on a dark side road? You're not coming out of that alive, I'm telling you.
- DeMarcus Cousins: Kentucky player. Say no more. Has the emotional maturity of a four year old.
- Tyreke Evens: Another Calapari product. Soap anyone?
- U Conn Men and Women: Unlikable. Calhoon and Auriamo (too lazy to look up correct spelling of his name - don't like him enough to do it): miserable pricks both of them.
- Stan Van Gundy: Ron Jeremy with a turtle-neck. If you know who Ron Jeremy is... shame on you!
- Jeff Van Gundy: Skeletar look alike. Should marry Maria Shriver. How would you like to wake up to either of them in the morning. YIKES!
- Brandon Jennings: Here is an idea: practice the jump shot instead of getting another tattoo.
- Josh Smith: His 3 point shot makes him look like the third little pig (figure it out!).
- Andre Iguodala: Captain of the all under-bite team. Should have attended Boston Collage.
- Dwight Howard: Shooting range... an inch and a half. You might want to try a little lift on that shot, Dwight.
- Stephan Jackson: How many felonies does this guy have to commit before the NBA gets rid of him?
- Gilbert Arenas: Speaking of felonies...
- John Wall: Kentucky. 'nuff said.
- O. J. Mayo: A chip off the old block, perhaps?
- Andre Blatche: I can't remember who said it but some player who got traded from Washington somewhere else said that this guy is the laziest human being on earth. Sounds like someone who should be playing professional basketball.
- Hasheem Thabeet: How could a top five draft pick be this bad? Has someone lost their job over this draft pick?
- Glen Davis: Big Baby. Big cross-eyed baby. Shoot for the middle basket, Big Baby!
The Dos
- Blake Griffin: If you haven't seen him play, make a point of it. Awe-fucking-some. Every game there is something amazing. He is the most explosive big man in history. Now if he could get two things: the ball from that fucking ball hog Baron Davis and a jump shot.
- Derrick Rose: Changed my tune on him. He's good. Still needs work on his J but explosive and quick. Luckily he had only one year of Calapari.
- Ty Lawson: UNC. Quick. Strong. Needs to play more. Odd how he is the best player from that awesome UNC team of two years ago?
- Joaqim Noah: changed my opinion of him. Still a flake but he's the only guy in the league who has stood up to LBJ and told him to stop being such a fucking, disrespectful asshole. Too bad they didn't scrap. The Frenchman won, the Frenchman won. There's something you don't hear often.
- Yao: He's done. Always had a certain dignity to him that I appreciated.
- Ray Allen: Chews his gum funny but what what a sweet jumper.
- Steve Noosh: He's Canadian. He plays hard and he's tough. What's not to like?
- Kevin Durant: Notice how he is never in the news about signing his new contract? Just shuts up and plays... well! Very well! He needs to follow me around for a while... he'll gain a few pounds!
- Deron Williams: I will take him over Chris Paul any day. Tough, skilled, and a better athlete than he looks. Too bad he has a Battier hair line.
- Jerry Sloan: Gawd I bet he would like to fucking snap on some of their wimpy, soft, pampered players of today. Better yet he would like to be able to guard them when he was in his prime. He would make them cry.
- Dirk: Eins, zwei, drei (it's great to have a linguist for a son!). Best shooting big man EVER! Like butter!
- Kevin Love: Beach Boy my ass. Tough bastard. Gets every rebound. Remember: no rebounds ... no rings (Pat Riley)
- Seniors: NCAA champions need seniors. The reason UNC has sucked the last two years.
Well a lot more don't like than like. Shows you what a miserable bastard I am. Ohh well! Merry Christmas to you all. Watch lots of hoops tomorrow. You'll see I'm right.
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