I know that I am to get a lot of people pissed off at me for this but I don't get dogs. WTF is the attraction? I understand companionship, loyalty, etc but I am astounded how people treat dogs better than they treat humans. From letting them drive, to feeding them Fillet Mignon, people fawn over dogs like nothing I have ever seen . Yes the fact is that I never had a dog in my life, may have something to do with it, however; I have never had the desire to have a dog.
It is not that I don't like dogs. I have nothing against them. I don't throw rocks at them or kick them when walking past. I just don't feel compelled to go to every dog I see and pat its head, rub its belly, or start talking to it like it was two year old child. It's a dog. An animal. Not a human. And I don't for the life of me understand people treating an animal with much more love and compassion than they do for their fellow human beings. It seems a contradiction to me to see people who wouldn't do anything for anyone, show such tenderness and love for an animal. It is my opinion that people like dogs so much because they know they don't have to do anything to get the dog to like them. They can act whatever way they choose and the dog will still like them. It is easier than being nice to another human. With humans there is effort needed to maintain a relationship. Most people are too fucking lazy or self-centred to put in the effort and work involved with friendship. A dog is just way easier. Low maintenance and ignorable if need be. A dog is a relationship of convenience. People start out all gung-ho concerning walking the dog and playing with it and then, as in most things, their effort and commitment peters out.
Dog owners are odd to me. If you asked every dog owner in the entire world about taking dogs for walks and their dog defecating on the sidewalk; every single dog owner in the world would say that they never do that. My question is this: if that is the case, then how come the world is knee deep with dog shit? Obviously someone is not telling the truth. Try getting up at 6:00 A.M. and go for a run around Sherwood Park. The sidewalks are covered with dog do-do. Someone is not doing their job, but no one will take responsibility for it.
Another question I have is why is ok for someone to walk their dog and piss up my lawn? During the winter, there is the tell-tale sign of yellow snow all over my front yard… a really attractive sight if there ever was one in your front yard. Then spring rolls around and the alleged responsible people continue their walks and allow the dog to piss up my grass. Not long afterward, there on my grass is a little yellow dead spot where Rover or Fluffy, has watered as a regular occurrence. Does that responsible adult then come and replant my grass… of course not. That would be my job. Isn't that a fair exchange. I work really hard to have nice grass and some moron lets his dog piss it up to the point where it dies. And I have to do the work to fix it. That's just fucking wonderful. But of course no one will admit that it is their dog that is doing it. Maybe the next time I see a dog urinating on my grass, I'll follow that person home and relieving myself on their front grass. And do it over and over and over again. That seems fair … doesn't it?
I recently drove past an off leash area and there had to be fifty cars there with the owners walking their dogs. This place was at least ten minutes (minimum) from Sherwood Park, so it had to be a least an hour out of their day to walk their dog. I remarked to MDW that the fucking parents of the world can't find fifteen minutes to read with their children, but they find an hour to walk their dog. I don't get that. Where are their priorities? Some people will say that these people do both but I don't buy it. Again I tell you, dog lovers treat their dogs better than human beings.
Is it necessary for people to bring their dogs everywhere? I have already told you about my feelings concerning dogs being on their brilliant owners saps/shoulders/heads/steering wheels whilst driving. Is there not a law against that? Go down 82nd Ave and see how many people have their dogs with them while they shop. Butchart Gardens in Victoria was overrun with dogs the day we were there. Is that fucking necessary? Do we have to take the dog to a restaurant? Can't we survive two hours without seeing Rover? The other day at the airport, this women was going on the airplane with her dog. A little rat actually. How is that possible that she can take a dog on the airplane? Not in a cage but on her lap. Huhhhh? I have got to squeeze my fat ass into a little seat and there two inches away from me sits Rover. For the next X number of hours I get to breath in Rover's lovely breath.
Then there is the people with the mean, fucking dogs that would kill you if they got the chance. Their macho owners get drug around by these vicious bastards and you just want to run away when you see them coming. By and large these owners all have tattoos, mullets and fu-manchus They would kill you also, if they could.
How about the people that dress their dogs up? Is that fucking degrading or what? I'll bet Rover is thinking : Fuck, I look like an idiot. I need to piss on someone's tire… Nothing looks stupider than a dog with kerchief tied around its neck.
I love being the victim of a dog's apparent affection; shown by one the following actions: tail wagging - not unpleasant, licking - tremendously unpleasant, butt sniffing - embarrassing/degrading, leg humping - WTF? How do you like it? What exactly can you do if a dog comes up to you and either sniffer your ass/crotch or starts pleasuring itself on your leg? The dog owners act like it's a great honour for you to be treated this way by their dog. Ya, what a great fucking honour that is. "oh, he must like you," they say. Really? He likes me? Isn't that wonderful? Do you think you could get him to 'like' my leg a little less? My preferred action from a dog is indifference and I return it willingly.
My stupid fucking sister, used to let her dog eat off of the same plates that I ate with. When I bitched and complained about it, her; in her never-ending brilliance, told me that his mouth was cleaner than mine. My response was to ask her the last time you saw me licking my balls? And his mouth is cleaner than mine? Ya right!
I like Lucy, from 'Charlie Brown', who cried in horror "I've been kissed by a dog." That is exactly how I feel when a dog licks me.
To me there is way too many people who seem to have a dog for appearances sake and not because they care so much for them. It looks good to have a dog with you, whether your walking around the market, in your car on at the many other trendy places where dog people love to drag their dog around with them. It goes with the look everyone is trying to achieve. Is it a status thing or do all these people really care about their dogs so badly that they can't go anywhere without them? I wonder about that.
The final thing I will say concerning dogs happened last week. I was running on my treadmill at about 2:30 (the joys of retirement) in the afternoon and whilst I run, I pretend I am outside by opening the curtains in the basement so I can look out onto our street. Yes, I know, I have got to get a life. Any who, I see this classic yummy mommy apparently taking her dog for a walk. She is dressed in her expensive Lulu Lemon outfit, with a 'I'm one of Chairman Mao's people' hats; looking just fabulous. Trendy, fashionable and right sexy.
As I continued to run I saw her stop and wait for a while watching something in my yard. Of course I couldn't see anything on my grass because it was out of my sight line. Little Miss Fabulous after stopping and waiting, then just continued off on her way as casual as could be. I didn't really know what had happened but soon after, when my older neighbour came by and as he walked slowly, he stared directly at my lawn, where little Miss Fabulous had stopped. Obviously little Miss Fabulous' dog had left a special reward for me on my lawn.
Of course we couldn't expect her to wreck the look by having to clean up her dog's mess, could we? You can't look fabulous and trendy if you have a bag of dog shit with you. So who get to clean up little Miss Fabulous' gift but me and that is what pisses me off about dogs and their owners. Everyone tells me that they would never be 'that person' whose dog craps on someones lawn and doesn't pick it up, yet have a good look around. There is dog crap everywhere.
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