Hockey

        I watched hockey most of my life.  When I was six years old, hockey used to come on Saturday night only, at 6:30, after the Beverly Hillbillies.  One game per week, that's it.  And it wasn't even a full game. CBC used to only broadcast the last two periods of the game and it was only the Leafs or the Canadians.  I can remember watching the Hillbillies and hoping that there would be a big fight in the hockey game because then the first period wouldn't be over and I would get to watch more hockey than usual.  

Soon we got a full game on Saturday and eventually there used to be a game on Wednesday night.  Leafs, Canadians, Leafs, Canadians. I loved those two nights because hockey was on.  I looked forward to it.  I never missed a game.  I still remember those games more so than any games since.  When there are so few of them, the games were almost magical.  Everyone watched them.  Everyone talked about them.  There was nothing else.

Now we get three, four, or more games a night.  I could watch every game… if I cared.  I could listen to every game on my satellite radio … if I cared.  I said I could.  I don't watch any; and I certainly don't listen to any.  The last full game of hockey I watched was the 2004 Gold Medal game from Salt Lake City and before that, it was when Gretzky was still with the Oilers.  Why don't I watch hockey any more? … because it sucks.  Hockey, the way it is played today; sucks.   You would have to hold a gun to my head to make me watch….  and I would shout shoot me please!  Even the playoffs suck and they mean something. Every game is a shutout.  Boring.  What has happened to 'our' game?  How has it ended up that a 2-1 game is the norm or that a high scoring game is 4-2?  4 - 2?  Jesus, the Oilers would scored more goals than that if they were playing with croquet rackets.  The Habs and their 'fire wagon style of hockey' produced more scoring opportunities in five minutes than there is in entire games now.  

The players are bigger, faster, play more hockey in their youth, have better training physically and mentally, they eat healthier, they work out year round, they have allegedly better coaching, they play every game in an arena, they travel on beautiful busses to all games, they have far superior equipment (WTF? a $200 hockey stick? Come on!), their PARENTS GET INVOLVED (never, ever,ever is that a good idea - in anything at all!), and everyone gets a medal or a trophy for every tournament or playoff series (ya, that's a gooooooood thing!).  Yet games are boring, the players exhibit no skill, scoring is minuscule, less kids than ever are playing and professional hockey has become about number 6 or 7 on the sports that matter in North America. It used to be in the top four, but no longer.  Now watching a game is like watching paint dry...

I have always really loved hockey.  I played it, I watched it, I dreamed about it, I admired the players.  Bobby Orr, Guy LaFleur and Mike Walton are some of my favorite players of all time (Gretzky tops the list of coarse).  I used to know every player in the league.  Even as an adult, we used to have 'pools' now of course they have fantasy leagues ( why can't it just be a hockey pool?).  I still read a great deal about sports, hockey included and I guarantee you that I could not name more than 50 - 60% of the players in the league, if that.  I have no interest in watching a game in which I know no players, they never score any goals and hitting someone warrants a penalty or worse: a suspension.  

There is so many things wrong with professional hockey: 1) lack of scoring, 2) lack of offensive skills, 3) watered down teams, 4) too many teams, 5) too many teams in places where there shouldn't be teams, 6) not enough Canadian teams (everyone know that hockey in Canada is the only place it really should be played), 7) the size of rinks, 8) the size of the players, 9) goaltending (give me a fucking break - you have a 6'4 goalie with equipment that would fit on Jack the Giant, and you are supposed to score goals?  C'mon),  10) goons, 11) fighting (what happens if you fight in all other sports?  You are automatically kicked out of the game and probably suspended.  But in hockey it is not only accepted, it is encouraged), 12) the hockey mentality (hit someone back if they hit you, fight if challenged, chirp to the other players, be pests on the ice, and generally play the role of the alpha male at all times), 13) head injuries (we can put a fucking man on the moon, but we can't make a hockey helmet that is safe???), 14) the cost of playing hockey for kids (it is now for the rich, where once upon a time it was for EVERYONE.  This creates an elite-ism and culture that is prevalent among hockey players - that being that they are special), 15) the rules that allow traps and other bullshit defensive systems that eliminate the excitement out of hockey, and 16) Gary Bettman (what a knob.  Have you ever seen him do anything for the good of hockey?  All he ever does is walk around with one hand in his pocket (playing pocket pool I presume!), and blindly tell everyone that hockey is better than ever.  Are you fucking kidding me Frodo?  WTF are you looking at?)

I am sure you all could add to my list of things wrong with hockey.  But what are the solutions?  Here are a few of mine:

1) make the rinks bigger - more room, more opportunity for scoring.  Trust me, everyone wants a 6-5 game compared to a 2-0 game.

2) Get rid of at least 10 teams: Two from California, Atlanta, Columbus, Nashville, Dallas, Phoenix, Carolina, Florida, Tampa Bay - now the skill level will go up, scoring will go up, interest will go up, attendance will go up, and rivalries will mean something.  Maybe move some of these dead assed teams to Canada where there is interest (Quebec City, Winter-peg, Saskatoon).

3) How about a few 5'8 players in the league instead of another 6'3 cement head who has no hockey skills.  Look in the Hockey Hall of Fame and see how many Hall of Famers are under six feet tall.  Now they don't even get a look… it's not right.  Those are the players that have great skill.

4) Stop fighting.  There is no place for it in sports.  Do not tell me that it is part of the game.  It is just accepted, that's all. Hockey is not the only game that there is frustration, yet hockey players are allowed to beat someone up.  Fucking ridiculous.  

5) Make all players wear visors, mouth guards and a helmet that is safe. And enforce the rule that if you wear your helmet strap loosely, it is a penalty.  

6) Go back to playing hockey for fun. Don't have camps, training, indoor hockey, and all the other bullshit things that kids do year round in hopes of getting better.  It is not fucking working! Just play hockey, that's it.  Go fuck around on an outdoor rink and learn to stickhandle through fifty other people with your head up.  All these special training ideas and other things are not working.  Just play hockey. 

7) Let kids play.  Maybe hockey can be affordable to all if they didn't practice in arenas every time, ride expensive busses, or travel around Alberta and Western Canada playing tournaments.  Most of the great hockey stars of the 50's, 60's and 70's came from small towns or rural communities.  Now almost all players come from the urban communities and the middle to upper class.  I wonder how a kid can have the desire, drive and work ethic when you come from that environment?  Hungry, hard working kids, who have not been handed metals and trophies all their lives would seem to me to make better hockey players than rich, spoiled city kids.  

8) Get rid of fucking Bettman as quickly as you can and don't look back.

Although hockey has been replaced by curling as the one sport in the world that we are the best at; it is still the main source of Canadian pride.  The Vancouver Olympics proved what hockey means to this country and to see it fading away into oblivion, is a sad thing. Canada still produces the best hockey players in the world and now the NHL has to stop fucking up the game.   Mark my words: without change; the end is near!