Giddy-Up

Worst summer activity: HORSEBACK RIDING.  Fucking horseback riding! WTF is up with that?
We took 'TB' and his friend to the mountains and one of the 'fun' activities that MDW decided we needed to do was to go for a horse ride in the mountains.  Easy, right?  Fun and games, right?
We decided on a two hour ride, as opposed to say a five hour journey through hell.  We get on the horse and  as God as my witness, we had not traveled fifty meters, where there was a photographer taking pictures (money, money, money!), and my knees were fucking killing me.  Obviously my knee ligaments were not made for horseback riding.  Here we were, about twenty-six seconds into our two hour ride and I am in agony.  I looked at my watch and though OMG, how am I going to survive this debacle.  I didn't want to whine and bitch because 'TB' was really enjoying it and besides, believe it or not, I can be a tad negative; and I didn't want to be like that.  After all, here we were, in a beautiful setting, the great outdoors, and I'm being a pussy because my knee hurts.
So on and on we travelled.  I kept looking and looking at my watch, praying that the minutes would fly by, however; as usual when things aren't going so well, every minute seems like an hour.  I was dying.  After about a half hour I said fuck it, I'm taking my feet out of the stirrups, no matter what they told me to do.  I didn't care if I fell off the side of a mountain, that fucking horse was killing me.  Second after second, minute after minute the torture continued.  Have you ever prayed for a bear to leap from the woods and maul you to death?  During those two torturous hours I would have gladly let a bear eat my ass, as opposed to the pain that ball slapping nag was putting me through.
Finally after two gruelling hours we made our way back to the ranch.  We had to get off of the horse by climbing down onto a wooden stand and walk down some stairs to the ground.  When I finally down I felt like getting down on my hands and knees (even though they were killing me) and kiss the ground.  NEVER, EVER, EVER, will I climb upon a horse again.